Tranquility

I breathe in deeply and exhale slowly.
A long day, a productive one. I am thankful it lies behind me.
The full moon is bright, the night around me feels illuminated by an otherworldly blacklight.
Beautiful.

I listen to the sound of crickets surrounding me. It warms my heart. It’s the first time this year I’ve heard them. Their symphony is a far cry from the deafening crescendo it will be on summer evenings, but they’re back.
Welcome.

A turtle slips into the water with a splash. A lone frog croaks. He, too, will soon meld into a choir of almost obscene proportions.
I’ve missed your song.

Next to me, I notice movement. Out of the dark, two glowing eyes peer directly into mine. It’s the half-feral tortoiseshell cat. Her gaze is not threatening, yet not timid either. Tranquil.
Her satin nose kisses my foot as she walks past me.
Unprecedented.

A distant bolt of lightning explodes across the southern sky. Another sign of winter’s end, one I’ve always cherished deeply. Why is it that the destructive power of a strong storm has always comforted my soul so deeply?
I’ve missed your embrace.

unpleasant

I've never been good
at sitting with
unpleasant feelings

feeling the icky
the yucky
the awkward
the hard

and so today
when I want so badly to run
I'm sitting here
and feeling this moment

all of it.

rainy day

cold wind
dripping rain
the perfect day 
for snuggling in bed with hot tea
my loves surrounding me

and I will 
but not now

now
it’s time to 
pull my sweater around my face
and brave the
beautiful rain

Having it Out With Melancholy

by Jane Kenyon

ONCE THERE WAS LIGHT

Once, in my early thirties, I saw
that I was a speck of light in the great
river of light that undulates through time

I was floating with the whole
human family. We were all colors — those
who are living now, those who have died,
those who are not yet born. For a few
moments I floated, completely calm,
and I no longer hated having to exist

Like a crow who smells hot blood
you came flying to pull me out
of the glowing stream.
“I’ll hold you up. I never let my dear
ones drown!” After that, I wept for days.

the surface

I envy them. 
They, who steadily row
their vessels on the sunny surface

of the sea
into which I sink
despite tenacious treading

I envy them.
They, who do not feel so deeply
their minds gently floating
on the surface

(I am tired
of fighting to stay afloat)

I envy them.
They, who are not tempted
every day
to sink down

into the depths
of their soul
and let the velvet darkness caress the pain
forevermore.

out of balance


I wonder
which silent flutter of butterfly wings
was the one
which unraveled
me?

I wonder
which straw was responsible
for breaking
the equilibrium
of my existence

I wonder
if I paused for a moment
before thinking the thought
which triggered the avalanche
(like a stone
loosened without notice
by the passing hiker
which is now tumbling down the mountain
frantically)

I wonder
if the stone
waivers between
dread and anger and hopelessness
and
the thrill of freedom

I wonder if it
(like me)
writhes in pain at the jarring motion

and yet can’t fathom choosing anything other
than this
haphazard loss
of balance


loneliness

it’s not a stabbing kind of pain


more of a dull ache
hollow
begging for fullness

yearning for the feeling
of home

for belonging
for being understood 

i avert my eyes 
from its rawness
keep it hidden 
even from myself 

except in moments of openness
when it threatens to consume

my soul. 

getting to know myself

In the beginning I was so young and such a stranger to myself I hardly existed. I had to go out into the world and see it and hear it and react to it, before I knew at all who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be.

– Mary Oliver, Upstream

I’m growing. I’m a work in progress.

I’m grateful.

It feels like a new level of understanding unlocked. 

A strange sensation. Acceptance of myself, as I am.

A work in progress. A being.

Still a stranger to myself. Slowly learning who I am.

What it means to be human. How to be more conscious. Not better.. because I can only ever be who I am at that moment.

I am the best version of myself I can be in this moment. And it’s so freeing to accept that truth. 

to just be. 

be me. 

as i am right now. 

without judgement. 

holding space. 

holding myself

in the Now.